Well well well. Here we are again. Funny how time slips away, no?
The last few months have been faster and faster. There’s an episode of ER (and I know it’s a popular saying, but ER is where I heard it, and you know I have to be able to sandwich in a reference where I can) where Mark’s dad says that the older he gets, the faster the years go.
“You know some years seem to pass faster than others? This year’s been the fastest.”
Time is definitely flying by right now – most days, I’m thankful for it. I’d be lying if I said that days weren’t still a struggle and I’m happy about quickly passing 12-hour workdays. But then I call my grandpa on his birthday and cry because I miss him and swear I’ll call more, but wake up three weeks later and I haven’t called since. Or I say I’m going to start running again and here I am, three months later, and I’ve not taken another step. I say I’m going to be a good blogger again and same thing – here I am.
I’m working on getting my head right. I’m working on getting my body right again. The precious little time I have to myself needs to be put to better use – here’s a Tune Tuesday to making it count.
It has been truly another whirlwind month. After thinking that I had finished the transition process (and trust me, there’s no part of this summer that was NOT a transition) I was proven wrong again. I am typically a glass-half-empty kind of person. It’s just my nature, and I work very hard to overcome it and be the happy, bubbly girl you see here 😉
Earlier this month it felt like my world was falling apart and that I had no way to control it. I won’t go into the gritty details yet. But it’s been a crazy, chaotic, stressful month. It’s no secret that I have pretty severe panic disorder, so coupling that with the pessimism that lives in my head made it really tough to keep on keepin’ on.
I heard this amazing story from The Moth by Peter Sagal, one of my favorite NPR hosts, that really helped me feel like I could get through. He talks about his divorce and running Boston as a guide for a blind runner during the 2013 Marathon.
There were nights that I literally could not sleep and I just kept saying to myself “relaxrelaxrelax” in my head, over and over and over, in order to keep other thoughts out of my head. And then I’d wake up two hours later, still panicked into a frenzy, and have to repeat that “relaxrelaxrelax” mantra.
It’s funny to look back on when Sixx and I first met – he was really uptight, followed the rules to the letter, was totally the opposite of me. It took us years to get him to go with the flow. He teases me about this now when he tells me over and over to “let it go” and just breathe.
But it’s funny, because since this life-altering thing and getting through the initial few weeks of terror, I feel this sort of peace now. For once, I really believe when people say that things will be okay. (Basically because at this point if anything else goes wrong, I’m going to be just checked into the hospital :)) But there came a point where I made a decision to take charge and override the doubt and take a page from the book of The Hold Steady and stay positive.
Since I decided to do that, things have improved greatly. This girlfriend of mine has a saying she liked to trot out in college: “it’s all about the bounce back.” I’m hoping to bounce a little higher than I have before, and I think my attitude change is going to help me get there. And I have a lot of things to be happy about – Sixx comes home in a few weeks, I’m seeing my family this weekend. My mom bought me a really nice set of headphones. TV season is back in full effect.
It’s tough because my life doesn’t look like I thought it would look right now, but in a way, it looks the way I always thought it would.
The last day at my job was July 29, and that evening I cleaned out my desk and drove on over to sleep on my friend’s couch for a few days before I could move in to my own place. August 1, I finally got the keys, and solo, I emptied carloads into my third-floor walkup. Obviously I was prepared for that too, since it was my choice to live on the third floor alone and all that. I did not really expect, though, that after living there for three days, someone would try to break in to the office (um, SCARY!) or that my internet/cable installation would be delayed by a week (and it’s actually been installed now for 9 days and I still don’t have cable), or that while my internet was down and I was away on vacation, that my blog would crash. (And that I’d have no idea until I got back from vacation, late at night, before the first day at the new job.)
While that was happening, a friend passed away pretty tragically (it’s always tragic though, I suppose) and the death of Robin Williams is effecting me deeply as well which makes me feel pretty stupid, but it is what it is.
So anyway. Things have been just CRAZY. But now that my blog is mostly restored, I’ll be pushing out the scheduled posts that were missed, and I can’t wait to start writing about my new life here in Nashville!
Today I’m moving into my new place in Nashville, and on my drive out of Virginia, I got a little emotional. Honestly – I hadn’t expected to be. While I liked my job, I never felt like I fit into the city: full of old moneyed retired University employees and students who kept to themselves, I always felt out of place as a transplant from thirteen hours away with no family, friends, or other connection to the area. And while I honestly don’t feel that sad about leaving, there are a few things I learned and some things I’ll miss that I’m very glad to have gotten to experience.
When I first moved to Charlottesville, I lost a lot of things. Sixx broke up with me two weeks after I landed in the city – I wasn’t even fully unpacked and I was in no way settled. I wasn’t sure I could survive that one more upheaval, but that was the the thing that really drove me to the gym. The only way to stop thinking about it was to spend hours in the gym, from the pool to the treadmill to the bikes. If I had been anywhere else during the breakup (at home I would have been in the bars every night; in Charlottesville coming off of a move that big, I couldn’t afford it and didn’t have anyone to go out with) my grief would have taken a much different form.
Obviously I developed a lot career-wise as well. I got ticketing experience I never would have, which helped me figure out what my ultimate dream job will be. I got interested in working in sports and looking at the sports industry from a business/marketing perspective, and there’s a lot to be learned from that world.
I’ve always been an independent person – being totally on your own forces you into a new kind of self-sufficient living you didn’t realize was possible. Hit a deer at 2:30am and have no one to call? You figure out what to do real quick. Bought a bed and have to transport, carry to the second floor, and assemble solo? Beast mode.
I loved my job and it was very hard to leave, but my life wasn’t sustainable. It’s one thing to be alone and choose to isolate yourself (which I am pretty well known for) but it’s another to be alone because you don’t have a choice.
I ate a lot of yummy burgers. And of course, I will miss Pedal Steel the most.
Timing is a funny thing. Exactly two years before my last day, I sent off my application for a job I didn’t think I really had a shot at. After three interviews and having only visited once (for about twenty hours,) I got the offer on August 22, my grandfather’s birthday. I packed up my Corolla and drove off to this city far away, full of optimism and excitement.
Even though I would rate my time there as a 4/10, I wouldn’t do anything differently. I’m glad I had the experience of moving somewhere completely alone, knowing no one, and bringing no one. It’s the hardest thing I will ever do… and I never want to do it again.